Friday 20 July 2007
Chevron D player and self confessed Northern Monkey, Matt Mcloughlin, has demanded an increase in the level of northernness among the Chevron new recruits after concerns over the proliferation of players from the southern regions of the UK.
Mcloughlin, born and bread in Manchester, the home of Chevron, has previously suppressed fears of Chevron turning into a "bunch of southern nancies" but has suggested that on this occasion he cannot risk the essence of Chevron being lost. Mcloughlin has said that “during this period of mass immigration into Chevron we need to adopt a policy of mandated desegregation" insisting that it is the only way to ensure that the "historical integrity of Chevron Action Flash" is not lost.
"The answer is close at hand" Mcloughlin suggested after news broke of the newly created degree in northernness available at Leeds Metropolitan University from September this year.* The course should give southerners a detailed knowledge of northern cultures and traditions as well as providing all graduates with their own flat cap and hotpot.
Matt impersonates a southerner who "needs him mum"
Mcloughlin has found support within the squad ranks from Chevron old boy Stu Mitchell, but despite the promise of cultivating more northernness Mitchell is not convinced. "So they'd end up as a Master of Arts?" Mitchell inquired after being presented with the possible university based solution. Beginning in response to the affirmative "So then they'd be southern jessies and total" before being cut off by an insistent Mcloughlin.
"The kids from Liverpool will do just fine and I know this'll work for the rest of them" Mcloughlin surmised. If he gets his way the possibility of a future of strong, rugged, faux northerners may not be far away; creating a team of rain loving, hard grafting, scrappers, perfect for the British summer time.
Source BBC News - Uni offers degree in northernness
Dane