Sunday 06 June 2010
Since November, Chris Berry, Jacko and Adam Irving have been on reconnaissance to Canada to learn about North American ultimate. Their target: a peculiar ape-link creature with anger management issues. To successfully fit in as North American ultimate players, Jacko and Adam have spent the last 3 years watching (and pleasuring themselves to) UPA Nationals DVDs. Armed with their phrase book, huge shorts and ‘I have a large packet’ walk they set forth on their mission to discover the secret of north American dominance in the sport of Ultimate.
Within minutes of arrival at Furious George training, their cover had been blown when Jacko realised that he was now on pitch with ‘the guys from the DVDs’. This moment instantly evoked nostalgic fantasies of his private time with ‘UPA Nationals 2004’ and resulted in a poorly timed erection. His baggy shorts hung off his dismal stump with shame as Andrew Lugdens asked him to leave the field and have a quiet word with himself. He attempted to recover the situation by turning to his prase book. But even calling his opposing player a ‘a freaking douche bag’ and spiking a disc in his face did little to convince the Furious George players that he was a genuine North American. One insightful player observed that he seemed to bear the characteristics of someone from a large mental asylum in England called ‘Liverpool’.
Despite the shame and exposure, Jacko and Adam impressed Furious captain Morgan Hibbert ‘Jacko is a talented player but he kept asking if we had heard of a guy called Stu Mitchell, as for Adam he seemed strangely interested in finding out who the manager was’. It was clear that Jacko was battling with feelings of infidelity; Stu had been the only man for him until now.
Speaking openly to ChevronUltimate.com, Irving voiced his concerns over Jackson's state of mind: ‘Until we got to Vancouver, it was always Stu this and Stu that. His life-size poster of Stu was a permanent fixture on his bedroom ceiling and he would play ‘Imagine’ over and over again to rekindle their special karaoke moment last October. We are all shocked at his new infatuation which seems to be spread evenly and passionately across the entire Furious squad. Leg humping has become a real problem, its just awkward, you know?’. Jackson insists there is ‘always room in his heart for Stu’. The full affect of this betrayal will be clear once they are reunited this summer.
CB